Leave Me Behind

Jenkins.

There he stands. Not a ghost. Not dead.

My mind is empty of everything that isn’t him. I only see our history. Our wounds.

He looks older now. The scars around his left cheekbone are from the night I last saw him. Two long, curved lines make his right jawline more severe. His eyes were never this dark and heartless. What horrors has he seen to have grown more indifferent than he already was?

His eyes widen as he recognizes me. Jenkins always had a slim figure, but the black tactical uniform he wears reveals that he’s bulked up in the past two years. There are so many things I want to ask him. So many things I want to say.

I can’t tell if what I’m feeling is happiness or heartbreak. He’s alive. But how could he be a part of this organization? What brought him to this?

Jenkins takes a few breaths before looking at the masked man beside me. Darkness falls over his eyes when he sees the man’s dick is still out and in his hand. My veins chill as Jenkins walks casually over to us. The dullness in his eyes starts my heart again. I’m only the most savage soldier because I learned from him. He taught me everything. His thoughts are my thoughts.

Bradshaw watches with confusion and concern in his gaze. Our eyes meet for only a second before Jenkins speaks and steals my attention away.

His voice is gravelly, low. One I never thought I’d hear again but cling to desperately.

“And what is it you think you’re doing, Greg?” Jenkins asks with a completely blank expression. I watch quietly as Greg pulls off his mask and sets it at his side.

It’s then that I realize Greg isn’t the boss. My eyes lift back to Jenkins and he meets my gaze. Our souls linger for a moment, as if we’re testing the waters of time. Do we still know each other? Would we still kill for each other?

Jenkins is the leader of the Ghosts.

My thoughts get interrupted as Greg swallows and mutters, “Uh, well I was just going to have fun with—” Jenkins doesn’t wait for him to finish that sentence. He twirls his combat knife in his hand before plunging it into the side of Greg’s skull.

I’ve seen him kill like this hundreds of times. Maybe more. I don’t feel anything as Greg’s body violently convulses on the end of Jenkins’s blade before falling off the table and going still. Jenkins keeps hold of his knife and brain matter spills out. The gash in the side of Greg’s head twitches with probably his last flashbacks, if that’s even a mercy we get.

Jenkins takes a deep breath before removing his black gloves and dropping them on Greg’s lifeless body. He turns his attention to me and casts a curious look at Bradshaw, whose glare isn’t at all curious like Jenkins’s.

“Hey, Gallows.” His voice is midnight rain, his gaze filled with lost time and stolen kisses of the past.

It never made sense to me how quickly he could go from a murderer to a sweet-talking man in the blink of an eye.

My mouth firms with emotion. “Sir,” I say as calmly as I can, but my trembling hands give away my feelings.

He brushes back the hair around my ear softly. I fight not to shut my eyes at the endearment. God knows I want to lean into it, into him.

“What are you doing all the way out here?” His voice still has that caring tone that he only held for me. My entire being wants to become lost in it.

I falter. “A mission. To rescue the Hades Squad and to stop… you.” My heart is in my throat and he knows it. A few blond strands of hair fall over his forehead. He looks into my eyes like he’s memorizing each second of this.

“Rescue the Hades Squad? They joined of their own volition. Why the fuck would they rather be imprisoned to the dark forces than be a part of something so much bigger? They don’t need to be rescued. But you already knew that, didn’t you? You saw their gear.” My jaw tenses and he sighs. “I got you out, you know. No cards. No promised lies. You were supposed to be out of the underground after our last mission.” His eyes flick to Eren’s unconscious form. “But it seems you were never going to get away from this dark part of the world.”

“You got me out?” I repeat, not quite understanding. “Jenkins, how are you alive?” My voice wavers. There’s a weight growing deep in my chest; it feels like I’ll die if I take too deep of a breath.

He lets out a small sigh, then smiles with anguish brimming his eyes. “Yeah, I got hurt more than I expected, but my injuries weren’t life-threatening. I was originally going to have you killed with the rest of the squad, but you didn’t go out with the rest of them. I was already on the fence about it because, as silly as it was, I liked you. You were different. You had what it took to be like me. To stand here,” he spreads his arms wide and alludes to the fortress, “with me. Gallows, I let you live. I even let you choose whether I’d take you with me or not. But you chose to leave me behind, as I suggested. I knew you’d be a weakness to me and, look, fate still brought you here. Taunting me.”

He killed our squad. He planned for me to die there with them.

Something painful churns in my gut at those words.

Jenkins must see the pain in my eyes because he lifts his palm to my burning cheek. “Do you hate me, Nellie?” I think he’d be indifferent to it even if I did. But I can’t force my heart to hate him. Not when I just got him back.

I stare into his dark eyes with anguish.

His loose grin fills with hints of malice.

“I knew you couldn’t, even if you knew I was going to throw you away like trash. You were always foolishly loyal until the end.” His words sting, but I take it. My chin drops and I grit my teeth. “But in the end, it was me who was the fool. I loved you more than I could stand. I still do.” Jenkins brushes his lips across my cheek—his scent of a fresh storm hits my senses and makes me weak.

I missed him so much. But why does this hurt so badly? My body feels weak and sickness riles up my throat. It takes everything in me to keep from hugging him. No matter how badly I want his chest against mine and to feel his heart beating, I refuse to let myself reach for him.

Bradshaw shifts and draws Jenkins’s attention.

“Ah—I almost forgot you were here. Well, enough reconnecting. We should probably get back to business, huh?” Jenkins shoves his hands into his pockets as if he’s not threatened by us at all. He walks to check on Eren. He kneels beside him and observes silently.

Bradshaw’s veins protrude through his neck as he watches helplessly. Three guards are on him and they aren’t weakened by injuries like he is.

“Greg was supposed to kill Eren. I guess he wanted to toy with you two first before finishing the job.” He tsks and stands, pulling out his handgun and pointing it at Eren’s head.

“No!” Bradshaw screams and thrashes. Two more soldiers rush to help keep him contained. Jenkins smiles widely.

There’s the sadistic asshole I remember.

He loves watching other people’s pain more than anything. Suffering is his favorite part of living. Looking at him now, I can’t remember why I cherished him so much. Maybe it’s because of Bradshaw… because I bonded with a new squad and felt what affection could be with someone else like me.

“Jenkins, stop!” I cry out and run to him. He raises a curious brow before narrowing his eyes at me.

“Since when did you get soft, Gallows? Don’t you remember how many people you slaughtered when they begged for their lives? When their comrades begged? You killed them right in front of their brothers without so much as a glance at their pain. Don’t pretend you’re capable of caring for this piece of trash.”

Jenkins’s gentle demeanor vanishes and his voice turns cruel.

“Do you know what these dickheads have done? This is a really straightforward operation I run. We have a pecking order and things get done. We get paid an ungodly amount of money. Then do whatever the fuck we want. Well, we used to do all that back in the States. But guess who ruined that for me? For all of us? Eren Bright. He wanted a bigger slice of the pie, selfish motherfucker. He wanted the world for him and his brother and he wasn’t willing to get it on his own. Why do so when I already had it? Eren tried to kill me after a private meeting. It was dirty. It was unforgivable, but I still needed him. So I ordered his brother to be picked off. An eye for an eye.” Jenkins looks at Bradshaw, frozen and breathing heavily beneath five men.

Killing the squad was just a diversion so that the general wouldn’t go looking for Jenkins. We really did mean nothing to him. My fists clench.

Jenkins brushes his thumb over my cheek. “I got you out, but he brought you back here, knowing that I wanted to protect you from this. He fucking brought you back to hell. He wanted to use you as a body shield for his stupid brother. Eren was counting on me not noticing that something I care about was on the field, and for what? For killing that nobody soldier two years ago?”

Bradshaw lets another shout roll from his throat, which comes out guttural and hate-filled. My chest aches for him.

“Why did you make me do it?” I ask in a hushed voice.

Jenkins studies me for a few moments before pulling his gun away from Eren’s temple. He looks up at the glass ceiling and takes a moment before speaking.

“I liked that your hands were as dirty as mine. And you didn’t care. You never did. As long as I kept you by my side, you didn’t care about anything.”

My chest constricts and I look at Jenkins with horror. He knows exactly what I’m thinking. “All those ‘traitors’ that I killed, were any of them actually guilty?” Anxiety moves into my stomach, prickling my blood.

“Some. I had you eliminate many loose ends, Gallows. Many were only guilty of being in my way. My own personal little reaper. To my surprise, you were the only one I couldn’t pull the trigger on. You were so much like me. And you were such a pretty little thing. You still are.” He lets his eyes fall down my body and sadness fills his eyes.

“You made me kill innocent people.” I almost choke on the words. “How many?” The panic in my voice raises the hairs on the back of my neck. The rest of my body is taking longer to process what he just said, but my knees go first, bringing me to the floor and making me feel helpless.

“More than we could count, remember?” He smiles hopelessly at me. My shoulders drop and I start dry heaving.

I’m the Reaper. I don’t deserve to live, not after what I’ve done. My throat swells and tears fall to the floor. If there’s one thing I can do, perhaps I can save Bradshaw and Eren. I look at them both and try memorizing every last detail.

I don’t think Bradshaw will leave unless I break his heart. Unless I make Jenkins see the misery he’ll leave with.

“Let them leave, Jenkins. I want to stay with you… I’ll kill them myself if they come back. I’ll do it.” My voice is hard and I force the feeling parts of me back into the depths. I tremble as I stand to meet my prior sergeant’s eyes. I ignore the confusion and hurt that threads through Bradshaw’s features.

His shoulders are shaking. “No, Bun.”

Jenkins knits his brows at the nickname, then considers me. “We should just kill them⁠—”

“I want them to live and to know that we are out here in the dark together. That if they dare cross a line again, we’ll be the end of them.” My gaze is hostile on Bradshaw and I limp to be in Jenkins’s arms. Jenkins hesitates before opening his arms and holding me. I take a deep breath at the warmth that instantly falls over me.

He flashes me a wicked grin. “How could I refuse such a sweet request from my darling? Should we properly break his heart before we send him off? I know he thinks he loves you, but he doesn’t know the real you. The monster that I know.” Jenkins circles me, wrapping his hand around my stomach and kissing my neck. Bradshaw’s eyes widen.

But all I can think of are the words: He loves you.

I want to tell Bradshaw that this is the only way. He doesn’t know Jenkins like I do. He’ll kill them both without a care unless I offer suffering. It’s what gets him off. Jenkins likes when I make people hurt on his behalf.

“Hold him up so he can watch.” Jenkins kisses my cheek and warmth plumes where he touches me. I hate him for what he’s done. I hate him for what he is. Most of all, I hate him for making me a monster too. Hate and love dance a wicked line. Deep down, I know I will always love Jenkins.

But I’m relieved he’ll spare them. I’ll stay here in hell with him—my evil one.

His hands move as I remember, smooth and soft, lifting my shirt and pulling down my pants like a lover would. He touches my body and brushes his fingers over bullet holes and gashes in my skin, both fresh and old. I stare at Bradshaw. I look at him for as long as I can. Memorizing every detail of his face, every dip in his skin. He’s going to be the last thought I have when I die.

I love him… I love him, and I’m never going to tell him that. He won’t stay away if I do.Ccontent © exclusive by Nô/vel(D)ra/ma.Org.

Bradshaw watches as Jenkins takes me. All the men in the room do. But my mind is steel. I hold onto Bradshaw’s tears as they stream down his bloodstained face. I count them as they fall. Then I realize I’m crying too.

Jenkins licks the tears from my face and whispers sweet nothings into my ear. When he finishes, I sit slumped with his jacket over my shoulders, come leaking out from between my legs.

“Now that is a heartbroken man.” Jenkins laughs. He guides me up tenderly and allows me to approach Bradshaw. I underestimated how much he truly loves misery. Or maybe I just turned a blind eye to it because I didn’t want to see his darkest side.

I kneel beside Bradshaw and look into his icy blue eyes for the last time. “You will leave this place and never look back.” That is the only thing I can manage to say. I make it as cruel as I can.

Bradshaw studies my face. His expression is so emotionally torn up that it makes my heart wrench. “You think I’m leaving you? This isn’t goodbye.” His raspy voice tears into my soul.

I shake my head. “It is. Live your life and forget about me.” Bradshaw leans in and kisses me. I shut my eyes and let his lovely lips imprint on mine before remembering myself and shoving him off.

Don’t let him stay.

“There is no life without you. There wasn’t one before, there sure as fuck won’t be one after,” he whispers. His eyes narrow with misery. “I love you, Bunny.”

He… loves me. I didn’t know how much those words could hurt, especially when you can’t have the only thing you love.

Jenkins shifts behind me and I tighten my hold on the coat covering my body. I let a small part of my soul grieve as I force out the words. “Leave me behind, Bradshaw.”

He lets out a broken laugh, tears falling into his mouth. “Do you love me?”

I can’t say it. I can’t.

Jenkins’s smile becomes grim as he waits for my reply.

If I tell him, it will only prolong both our pain. My hollow stare makes Bradshaw’s jaw flex, and something changes in his eyes. I know a broken heart when I see one shattering in front of me and I don’t know how I’ll live with it.

Jenkins keeps his word. He sends Eren back with Bradshaw and we watch the two of them from the roof of the fortress. Malum Squad meets them half a klick from the fortress and they disappear into the Labrador mountains.

Bradshaw left without looking back, taking what was left of my heart with him.